If you know me, you know I’m obsessed with Myers Briggs personality types. I am an ENFJ.
ENFJs in general love to know people. People are our science. We are innately curious and passionate about understanding the people that surround us. We will strike up a conversation with a stranger, feel entirely fascinated watching people in public, or sideways smile at really absurd crazy interaction we see between people.
We are constantly collecting data in our head to not only help us better understand how the people around us think, but to be able to use that data to make predictions of human behavior and best inspire, influence and harmonize situations to come out in the best possible way for all involved.
ENFJs can often be seen as manipulative, overbearing, controlling or needing attention. I have a theory that I think explains all of this really well – but that’s a future blog. The bottom line is we’re gathering information. Our brains are incredibly analytical, and for this reason all of this data makes us INCREDIBLE people-people. Because we take the time to observe and understand everyone around us, we can predict their needs, we can sense when something is wrong, and we always know what to do to make the people around us feel better. It’s part of our light in the world.
It also happens to make us INCREDIBLE at analogies.
Because we take so much time to understand people, we understand how they process, so we can pull from EVERY situation (if you ever dated an ENFJ you know we basically have photographic memories, and sorry not sorry but we’re always going to hold you accountable to your word, so deal with it) which allows us to make connections and analogies that most people simultaneously think are weird but IMMEDIATELY identify with. Which makes us happy, because we want people to understand one another, since it reduces conflict and creates more harmony in the world.
For example:
I’m going through some shit.
Like some epic personal spiritual growth, emotional weird ass BIG ASS, HEAVY ASS FUCKING SHIT.
In our world (that is, the spiritual world) they call it Shadow Work.
This season though? It’s real.
It’s realer than any personal growth shit I’ve ever come up on thus far.
It’s that real.
My friends know this, they check up on me. I don’t really open up fully (yes my oversharing is not really me opening up entirely, it just feels like it) to too many people and the few I talk to know when I’m quiet or when my posts get kinda heavy that I’m not doing well emotionally – they feel it.
So when two of them asked me how I was doing yesterday, I wasn’t sure how to respond.
Better, was my first thought.
But not good.
But maybe good?
Sometimes good, but sometimes bad.
But mostly bad – but trying to embody good so it gets better?
It floated through my head like that. I’m not really someone who just says “good” when someone asks how I am. Having so much experience in human emotion, I tend to like to verbalize in great (excessive) detail my feelings on something.
In fact, ask me “How are you?” in the wrong context and you can guarantee that I either explode in a fit of something that I’ve been holding in ALL DAY (if I know you well enough) or start crying.
Tangent. Additional tangent, at least.
Sorry, I’m writing in Casual Amber tone and not Spiritual Amber tone, so you have to deal with all my little squirrel-ish side plots.
ENFJs seek harmony in a group and in the world. We want to see everyone happy. That’s why ENFJs make the best bartenders, because serving others (especially our loved ones) is in our core. But sometimes that harmony comes at our own expense. We will sometimes bottle up all our emotions in order to keep the peace and if we haven’t learned how to let them pass through and just say hi, we will explode. PARTICULARLY when we have a partner that also seeks harmony, because the breakdown in communication in favor of seeking harmony just doesn’t work.
So, here I am – in this internal debate (another ENFJ thing, we debate ourselves over EVERYTHING because of our curiosity about the world and a need for understanding it) over my emotional state.
I finally settled on this analogy, “I’m… like… driving with the parking brake on.”
I was.
I am.
I STILL AM.
Have you ever done that?
I have a manual transmission vehicle. And every now and then I’ll put it in reverse and forget to put the brake down or not put it down all the way… and I’m hitting the gas to ease it into reverse and nothing…
If your net energy spend in a day is X and that rate is fixed – and I think for most people it is fixed because not many people have taken the time to understand how to reset or recharge or redownload energy – then you need to conserve energy in order to sustain your power. Right? Like, a gas tank. Only, ours is smaller.
You’re hitting the gas pedal, you’re spending energy, but nothing is happening.
There’s something holding you back.
In this case, though, the parking brake is actually your own ego.
(At least, it was in my scenario).
Sometimes in our lives, we pull up our parking brake without even realizing.
We refuse to move out of a job that we hate because it’s comfortable, so it wears on us and starts impacting other areas of our life.
We get home and we’re beyond exhausted, so we can’t contribute effectively to our personal relationships… and the engine wear and tear is starting to wreak havoc on the whole car.
We refuse to move on from a relationship that’s toxic in our lives. It weighs on us. The interactions become more difficult and because we’re autopiloted in our brains to repeat with triggers and elicit the same hormone and chemical releases when we have similar experiences, so we recycle the same fights over and over and over – until we’re so broken and uncomfortable that we move on too late or it just breaks our spirit and we fall into a depression because the resistance of energy is THAT GREAT that we deplete our stores on shit that doesn’t even matter.
Or maybe we refuse to do the work that we know will help us improve.
I need to go to the gym. (but I won’t)
I need to lose 10 lbs. (but I won’t)
I need to eat better. (but I won’t)
I need to … (fill in the blank)
We’re SO constantly beating ourselves up, holding on that bad energy and guilt that comes with it that we absolutely exhaust ourselves.
When we’re out of flow with the universe, we’re operating in resistance.
The parking brake is up and we’re dragging the vehicle along, driving more slowly, using more gas and effectively wearing down at much higher rate.
You NEVER see birds going against the wind. They either rest or they just shift their trajectory.
Humans are the only species that really don’t flow with universal energy. We have to control according to our own agenda and “goals” and societal conditioning and expectations based on RANDOM SHIT we either saw on TV or in a movie, or because that’s what everyone else is doing.
WHY? Why does anything have to be on your timeline? Why does your life have to look the same as anyone else’s?
Because of your ego. Because it wants to feel good. It wants validation.
You need it now. You have expectations.
Releasing control is difficult. Particularly for an ENFJ, because in order to guarantee harmony we have to guarantee control.
BUT I’ll tell you what – the more unsustainable action is refusing to let go of that control and burning your candle at both ends in an entirely wreckless kinda way, avoiding caring properly for yourself and thus compromising the care of those in your care as well.
So?
Release the expectations.
Release the need to control the situation.
Release the attachment to any given outcome.
Release everything.
You can feel the feelings that come when those things are released:
Sadness, anxiety, fear, overwhelm.
When you’ve been controlling everything all your life to take care of the people around you, not having control of all those spinning variables can be INSANELY scary – because what if i comes back on you?
What if everyone is miserable and the perfect world you built up because of some weird childhood trauma that made you who you are, just isn’t perfect anymore?
Take it from me. The perfectionist Virgo ENFJ with an Asian mom with impossible standards and a middle child that wants everyone’s affection. YEAH. I GET IT.
It will be okay.
Life will continue.
Your story will play out exactly as its supposed to.
And you know what?
You’ll be freer as a result.
The weight will be lifted.
You’ll be able to use that energy in places where your energy is actually needed and if you choose the RIGHT places by following your feelings along the way, you’ll gain EVEN MORE ENERGY charge from putting your energy where its supposed to go.
Release the parking brake. Just cruise.
Everything is going to be okay. I promise.
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