“Is it exhausting being you?”
I’ll never forget the moment that Ryan said this to me one day and it sent me into an existential tailspin of introspection which ultimately caused some HUGE shifts in my consciousness.
I reference my past a lot. It’s less that I’m trying to explain away my behaviors than trying to uncover the reasoning for them and maybe introspect on how I can improve. It’s just my nature. I turn things over mentally in my mind and explore how they can be improved upon – sometimes to a fault, or the frustration of my loved ones.
It’s not personal. I do this with everyone, everything, every aspect of my life and my surroundings, but its seen the most in my closest friendships and romantic relationships. This can be a great thing because it can yield a way to change a business or new idea or strategy that is going to changes sometime’s life. But it can also be a little much for people.
It’s a byproduct of the desire to create harmony around me. When you spend your entire childhood trying to please someone that literally cannot be pleased, and *nothing* is working, you have to just continually adjust variables of perfection as you attempt to appease them. No one ever told me that imperfect was okay, because NOTHING was good enough. Add this to being a Virgo and you can see where this might become an issue.
Unpacking that and exploring how not to foster that in my relationships is a pretty massive undertaking.
So- today’s subject, ladies and gentlemen, is all about flowing with it, releasing control and taking every moment just as it is, and pivoting in my life just as I pivot in business.
You’ll find in life that you repeat the same cycles over and over. You get up for work, take out your dog, shower, get dressed, eat breakfast and continue on your way (at least you would if you were not in quarantine or whatever we’re calling this). You come home, unwind, eat dinner, watch some shows, only to repeat more of the same.
It’s a mind blowing consideration that people actually wish for more in their life and never actually make any changes.
What’s that they say is the definition of insanity again?
Life changes and achieving your desired reality is really a game of numbers and science.
Change the variables, change the result.
Do it over and over and over until you achieve the result you want.
Buy a fucking science board and throw that shit up and win 1st place at the science fair. Quantum. Fucking. Physics.
This is the universe every single day.
You repeat the same cycles until you elevate outside of them, and that’s when you unlock more of your journey.
Example.
Today I remembered there being a similar massive rainstorm and my Camaro almost flooding in about 2.5-3 feet of water on Fowler.
This time, upon exiting the brewery after a similar rainstorm, I started to take my normal route, and then I realized it, and turned into the parking lot and took another road.
Then I thought:
I wonder if elevating the person that you are and eliminating all the triggers and the need for control in your life (I’m talking to myself) is just a matter of taking a new path with a different reaction?
Of course, I know that different emotions have different frequencies.
Anger, jealousy, hate, anxiety, frustration, control – all of those are super low vibe frequencies. Respond there and you’ll likely be met with the same in your life.
The universe wasn’t done with me yet, though.
The moment I had that realization, I came to realize that all of the power to change my life (and I’ve SAID this before, but hearing it and saying it and divying that advice to others isn’t the same as actually INTERNALIZING IT and experiencing it for yourself) and of course, I notice the lyrics to a song on the radio.
Radioactive by Imagine Dragons
I’m waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Whoa oh oh oh, I’m radioactive, radioactive
All systems go, the sun hasn’t died
Deep in my bones, straight from inside.
These epiphanies followed by universal synchronicities happen a lot and usually make me burst out laughing. It’s just so egregious when the Easter eggs pop up. (That’s what I call them, by the way, Easter eggs that are hidden lessons)
It was a demand to come into myself and let situations be what they would be, but change the variables once more to find the lesson
Naturally then, I would come home to my lavender and peppermint planter all over the ground. The wind had knocked it down. KJ was the first to notice. He kinda freaked out.
I looked at it, “I think it’ll be fine.”
I didn’t have a meltdown. I had JUST gotten my entire patio perfect. I had literally been bragging about how I was going to prove all of the people wrong by taking the most perfect care of my lavender so I could be the exception and do it PERFECTLY.
The universe must’ve heard me.
Perfect? Nope. You’re not trying to be perfect anymore.
Instead of having that meltdown, I just calmly put the plants back into the planter, scooped as much dirt up as I could, packed it back in and dumped a huge bucket of water onto the dirt strewn all over the patio to wash it away.
A moment later, Amelie spills my entire water onto the ground.
She looks at me, and says, “Oh mommy I‘m so sorry” and tears start to well up in her eyes. I say, “It’s fine! Let’s grab a towel and clean it up.”And instead of having a meltdown, she goes, “Okay!” And I get a big towel and we calmly clean up the mess, put the ice cubes into the sink and put the towel away.
It never occurred to me that I was already in a pattern of generational cycles. We don’t realize that our children watch our every reaction, and we condition them to react accordingly.
Everything was always the end of the world with my mom.
Yeah, you got shit for everything – but if you REALLY messed up, you were in for it. I never realized what that sort of emotional tip-toeing could yield for my anxiety, and most importantly, how I could re-manifest that into my personal relationships with my family and those closest to me.
It’s why all my tarot cards keep telling me to find the lightness in my life, to embody playfulness and grounding. I literally have to reparent myself to become a better human and an even better parent to my children, who I’ve always held at a distance because, not gonna lie, I’m pretty terrified of being my mom. While I know she was doing the best she could, that shit was pretty fucked up sometimes.
SO – the point here.
I so appreciate your patience if you’ve made it this far along.
I swear if I ever become famous I’ll get an editor for my books of ramblings.
This is one of those exercises that’s more analysis of things that happened and what it means for me than something that’s succinct of for you…
BUT THE POINT IS — you keep changing those variables. Every little piece you change, elevates you higher. So when you’re met with that person, the angry awful, anxious, upset person that really just needs love or a weird situation, or something doesn’t go the way you want – you can just embody love for them and you can both elevate.
Make swift changes to the route of your life.
In each difficult moment is a lesson, you just have to find it.
Ask yourself:
What am I to learn from this, rather than becoming consumed in the stress of the moment.
Get the birds eye view of the situation so that you can come up on top next time.
What variables created it?
How can I adjust the way I manage a situation like this in the future?
It’s not so much that you have to overanalyze and or fret about what you did wrong. Just —- treat it like a science experiment and analyze with detachment.
Pivot the next time. Change the trajectory.
Never give up.
Just change the variables of this science experiment that we refer to as life.
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